There are lots of famous people that we at Starscreen admire greatly, so as a tribute to these great men and women we are dedicating a whole page to a celebrity for one month. 

MR MARCH

Many people believe that when Jesus resurrected, he then ascended to heaven to sit on his father’s right hand, (which seems to be a bit purvey to me). I am not one of those people.

For I believe that Jesus left the middle east and headed west and ended up in England, Yorkshire to be precise. He then changed his name to zak, then settled down to look after his family which includes his retarded son Sam, and his wife Lisa who used be in Allsorts (T’was a kids show on ITV, yeah you know you remember it). He is though ably assisted by his number one disciple Shadrach (who looks exactly likes the pussy ass lion from the wizard of oz).

So nowadays instead of turning water into wine he turns water into moderately price lager, instead of curing lepers he’s causing bother at the woolpack, and rather than feed the 5000 he goes out poaching on the home farm estate to feed the rest of the Dingles. Not to mention getting one over on Pollard.

Although his messiah days are truly behind him his deeds will live throughout the ages, and he will be in our heart forever. We salute you o' holy lord, the king of kings, son of God, but to us you are simply called Zak dingle.

P.s If anyone is offended by anything i have written this month, you should try reading the Da Vinci code by Dan Brown, what a load of old bollocks that pile of shite is.

 

MR FEBRUARY 2009

When you think of mullets, who springs to mind? Billy Ray Syrus? Duran Duran? Bono, back in the day? No. The king of this dated 80's haircut is PAT "Funhouse" SHARP. Back in those glorious funhouse days when he was making the best gameshow for kids ever, shagging Melanie and Martina, and listening to the contestants doing their Phylis from Coronation Street impression "ooh Percy" you know the one, he was at the height of style and like the cool older brother we all wished we'd had. Nowadays the only people that have mullets are rednecks, serial killers and people who get married to their sister or perhaps a horse. So here's to you Mr Sharpe and your amazing hair. Now let us sing.

"Fun House,
It's a whole lot of fun, prizes to be won.
It's a real crazy show where anything will go.

Fun House, it's a quiz, it's a race, a real wacky place.
Use your body and your brain, if you wanna play the game."

MR JANUARY 2009

I know its nearly march but feck it, i'm back dating celeb of the month. This month, well, last month, we have the only man who's brain is powered by microsoft. His up to date and vast knowledge of everything, and i mean EVERTHING about football has made JEFF STELLING (pictured above with H'angus the Monkey) a true legend in the broadcasting world. Jeff (who supports Hartlepool United if anyone cares)has recently become the host of old people and students fave tv show Countdown, and lets face it he'd probably beat all of the the doddery old feckers and spotty nerdy girlfriendless losers that go on it with his genetically modified mind, and he's definitely a ladies man too, he doesn't shag women he makes love to them, and i bet after he's finished the ladies roll over and say exhaustedly "Unbelievable Jeff!!!".

P.S I bet he's good in bed.

Written on the 25th Feb 2009

"Ho Ho Ho, Celebrity of the Month is back after a year off, and as we finished at Xmas last year it only seems right to start with another Xmas feeling Celeb. So we wish you a Very Kerry Christmas! Yes this month's Celeb is good old Kerry Mcfadden (Katona). Kerry is most famous for being in that Girl group involving pussy's....or cats or some kind of feline, and of course marrying the fat ugly one from Westlife. But Kerry has moved on and now spends most of her time down at Iceland with the fat Nolan Sister picking out food to fill their lonely fat faces. That's why fat single mum's who are recovering from a Cocaine addition shop at Iceland! Not the most catch advertising slogan I know but Iceland made there choice! So anyway have a good Christmas, don't shop at Iceland. Tesco is just as cheap and you get clubcard points, and I think it is finally free of Prunella Scales and her dippy Daughter. Have a Kerry Chrimbo! See you in the new year x"

Have a Ferry Berry Kerry Cliffmas. X

 

"We wish you a merry Cliffmas! yes peeps, it's the king of Xmas, Sir Clifford of Richard! However, I have a terrible secret to reveal, I have it from a reliable source (think it was HP - Great Gag!), anyway, I have learnt that Cliff doesn't actually like Xmas at all. Apparently him, Cilla and Gloria Honeyford spend most of Xmas day going round the homeless shelters telling people how rich they are and how the tramps there disgust them and they should go out and get themselves a job and make a sucess of themselves. Futher more there is nothing these three ageing celebs like better than visiting underpriviliged Children and burning expensive toys right infront of the poor little dears, then they usually take a piss on the TV while the Queen is doing here speech. Yes ladies and Gentlemen, I put it to you that Sir Cliff is infact Satan, but he could be a good guy to be honest I (like most of the christian world) don't give a frig about the meaning of Xmas I just want presents!!!!

Have a Ferry Berry Cliffmas x

"This months celeb is here to make a mockery of all the other celebs, yes it's Colin Mochrie! I know what your thinking, that was a crap joke! But this just goes to shows what a great man Colin is! No only is he called Colin (the coolest name after Trevor) but he can also improvise jokes each and every week on on Who's line is it anyway. So in celebration of this we shall have a Ho-down on the subject of Starscreen... Que Richard Vranch:

I went to see a band last night,

Starscreen was there name.

I’d gone to see Bryan Ferry

But Ferry never came.

Starscreen’s drummer was young and sexy

The singer filled the stage

The guitarist had a massive head

And a bassist from the stone age

Their music is good

but often overlooked

but anyone who doesn't like it

can go and get fucked!

 

"HI TERRY SCOTT HERE! AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A GREAT NEW PRODUCT THAT HELPS YOU GET HEARD ABOVE THE CROWD! IT'S CALLED SHOUTING!!!!! YES I LOVE TO SHOUT, INFACT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE QUIET, I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM MANY A PUBLIC PLACE FOR SHOUTING! ALTHOUGH PEOPLE CLAIM IT'S BECAUSE I LIKE STICKING MY WILLY IN LITTLE CHILDREN, BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF MY SHOUTING! OH TERRY THEY SAY PLEASE TELL US ABOUT THAT FAB CILIT BANG AGAIN! BUT I'M SICK OF BEING TYPE CAST I WANT TO GO ONTO BIGGER BETTER THINGS ONE DAY I'D LIKE TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF DANNY BAKER AND SHANE RITCHIE AND DO A DAZ DOORSTEP CHALLENGE. SO REMEMBER THE NAME TERRY SCOTT.......HANG ON MY NAMES NOT TERRY IT'S BARRY! OH NO I'VE MADE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF AND INFRONT O SO MANY PEOPLE!"

"Wow it's an Egghead! Yes it's Kevin Ashman, the king of Quiz's (is that spelt right? Don't know but I'm sure Kev would!) This man has won everything, 15 to 1, Mastermind and he's been world quizzing champion for three years running ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............Oh sorry I must have nodded off! Anyway, I could have chosen any of the eggheads as they are all cool. Theres CJ who's the token camp member and thickest of the eggheads, Chris who could bore the skin off Tony from work with his crap facts after every question. Then theres Daphne, who acts sweet but once your backs turned she'd probably secretly shit in the porridge she'd just made for you. And of course theres the bitch that won Millionaire who I wouldn't give the time of day, hense not looking her name up on google...that'll teacher her! But it is Kev with his quite "I really do know everything" attitude that is the true champion egghead, and i'd like to think him and CJ would often spitroast Daphne inbetween rounds while Dermot Mernaghan filmed them". So in the words of Ian Dury "There ain't half been some clever bastards!

"Listen very carefully I shal say thiz only wonce! This Months special Celeb is Gorden Kaye! And once again we are gonna use this opportunity to attack John (verbally of course). The reason we have chosen good old Rene is because our well cultured friend Mr Kidger has never heard of the TV show 'Allo, 'Allo! Granted he is only 18, but still that's no excuse! What does he do on Sunday afternoons if he's not watching 'Allo 'Allo? He probably does something really useful like kick concreate posts and sprains his foot! He maybe sexy, and usually he's the life and soul of the party (mainly cos he's got such a big gob!) but to not know who René is, that's inexcusable! i'd bring back hanging if I ran the country just for crimes like this!"

John we love you, don't ever change no matter how much we shout at you xXx

"Every so often a man is born and he alone is responsible for changing every other humans way of thinking, they do things other people say can't be done. Yes ladies and gentlemen I give you Christopher Morris (not to be mistaken with Mike Morris, the slightly gay Ginger former presenter of TVam for all you old people out there). Jesus Christ did the impossible he turned water into wine and came back from the dead. Neil Armstrong did, what a hundred years ago would have seemed inpossible, he walked on the Moon (I've just thought about Sting and I'm suddenly feeling very sick!) Anyway where was I?.....Oh yeah these other things are pretty impressive but they are dwarfed by the work Chris Morris has done, for he and he alone is responsible for making Phil Collins look a bigger Twat than he already is, for this Mr Morris we salute you!"

 

"What a Hunky Man we have for you this month, yes ladies and even more ladies let me present Barry Van Dyke!! To get a true profile of this amazing guy we shall break down the three parts of his name. First of all we have BARRY, a great name to begin with, but when i think of the name barry I think of barry from Eastenders and Barry who used (and possibly still does) run a cafe/chip shop in Ingoldmells. Now both these men are quiet fat and cuddly. The second part of Barry's name is VAN, which brings images of travel. The Third part is Dyke which means lesbian. So to sum up Barry van dyke is quite simple, he's a Fat Travelling Lesbian!"

HERES A SPECIAL CELEB JUST FOR JOHN!!!! HOPE YOU ENJOY IT SWEETY

 

 

DEAR STARSCREEN FANS, I WISH TO INTRODUCE TO YOU ALL "MALKEY THE ALKEY AND HIS FAITHFUL DOG CLIVE"

 

HERE'S A FEW FACTS ABOUT MALKEY:

 

AGE: 57

SEX: WITH ANY OLD SLAPPER

MARITAL STATUS: DIVORCED TWICE (CURRENTLY KNOCKIN' OFF NASTY TINA FROM THE HOGS HEAD FOR BEER MONEY)

CHILDREN: MANY (BOB, BILLY, JIMMY, ANGUS, BOB2, AGNUS AND BETTY) WHO ALL DON' T SEE HIM MUCH ANYMORE 

PLACE OF BIRTH: GLASGOW

OCCUPATION: JSA ( THOUGH STILL TRYING TO CLAIM INNCAPACITY BENEFITS WITH HIS OLD WAR WOUND)

WEAPON OF CHOICE: STICK, GLASS, KNIFE (FOR CHIBBIN') AND GENERALLY FALLING OVER IN YOUR DIRECTION

HEALTH: POOR (WAR WOUND, CIRRHOSIS OF LIVER, BLADDER PROBLEMS, ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONS ETC)

ADDICTIONS: DRINKING, SWEARING, PERVING, SMOKING, FIGHTING, GAMBLING

CRIMINAL RECORD: MANY OFFENCES THROUGHOUT HIS YEARS

LIFE EXPECTANCY: 58

PLANS FOR FUTURE: DRINKING AND BEING SICK IN HIS OWN MOUTH

 

SCOTT: This month's Celeb is an extra special treat for you, as this months Celeb is a superhuman! Yes Ladies and Gentlemen it's Mr Philip Serrell of Bargain Hunt fame. Now I know what your thinking, "Bloody hell Scott, you may be sexy but you've chosen a really dull Celeb" Well this is no ordinary celeb as Philip is a real life Superhero! And like all superheroes there is the exciting "Super" side and there's the dull everyday side aka Mr Philip Serrell. So by day he goes around Antique Fairs and Auction houses but at night he turns into the legendary Mr Ian Gillan.....

...While in the day Mr Serrell bangs his gavel, at night Mr Gillan bangs his head (in nothing but his white PJ's) to the heavy metal magic that is Deep Purple. Gillan is the voice of good in this evil world. Like all good superheroes he needs an arch-nemesis, and Mr Gillan is no different, his nemesis is the evil Daz of Starscreen. Gillan must continue his fight against Daz by writing more great songs that have the uncanny ability to annoy the shit out of Daz until he complains himself to death. Long may Gillan reign king in the vocal world, and long may his alter-ego Philip Serrell reign king in the world of the dull!!!

Daz :

Now ladies just try to calm yourselves down, i know he's the sexiest man alive, he's in a swimming pool and he's probably nursing a semi, but this man is more than just a hunk of geordie beefcake.

I give you Sir Peter of Beardsley esq, one of the most majestic, poetic and beautiful of footballers you ever did see, and one hell of a nice guy to boot. After playing for many great clubs including Newcastle, Liverpool and Everton he now spend his time working as a model and part-time pornstar.

God bless ya Quasi!!!!!

Neal:

 

 "RICHARD! MIND THAT MAN DEAR! BUT HE'S ON THE PAVEMENT!...HA! HA! etc"

        

"This months celeb is Clive Swift AKA Richard Bucket (it's pronounced BUCKET!)"

  

"I'm glad i wasted your time in reading this.........Do your own research in future."

 

"End, The"

 

Scott: "Well Starscreen fans it's been along time coming but Christmas is finally here and following the sucess of last years Ferry Merry Christmas we'd like to wish you a (Nick) Berry Merry Christmas. Old St. Nick (as he likes to be known) started life like so many people as baby, he then turned into a Toddler, went into his teens and finally became a man. It was about this time in his life that he developed a keen interest in Clubbing. His prefered kind of clubbing was Baby Seals, oh yes many a happy hour was spent bashing there cute little heads in, but Berry soon got tired of this and decided to change his wicked ways and become a Nun. This required quite a complicated operation to remove his penis, during the operation a mother Seal burst into the Theatre shouting "That man killed my Baby!". Berry tried to fight of the attacking mother but it was no good the Seal Mother bit his face off. Nick was forced to live with his friend Chicken Alf who had the same problem. Soon Nicks face grew back and he got his Job on Heartbeat......the rest, as they say is history"

Neal:

"i can't really follow scotts celeb very well and now that i have A JOB....i don't get time anymore. Ahhhhhhhhh! so i thought i'd write a song for you all....(cough!) here goes.....

i like nick berry

he is very nice

i'd like to hug him

and give some nice (biscuits)

i like nick berry

he is the best

i think he is my best friend

i once bought him a vest (from littlewoods)

 

that day we went out camping

on whitby moor

i took of my shirt

and you liked what you saw

 

NIIIIIIIIIICKY why did you leave me

you let me down by fax

i'm going to hunt you down

and chop you up with my axe

 

well??????.....i know pretty damn amazing hey?

 

MERRY XMAS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

Have a Ferry Berry Xmas

STARSCREEN  

SCOTT: "Now then, this month's celeb is a childhood hero of mine, ladies and gentlemen Mr Michael Gross! This greatly gifted actor has played many different roles, the most obvious is of course as Burt Gummer in the legendary film Tremors. But his acting talents don't stop there...oh no! He's also played Burt Gummer in Tremors II, then he had a leading role in Tremors III, where he played the challenging role of Burt Gummer. With all this experience under his belt he decided he'd go for a completely different role, so he decided that he'd play Burt Gummer's Great grandfather in Tremors IV before making a return as Burt Gummer in Tremors the TV Series. Yes ladies and gentlemen old Michael Gross is a firm believer in the phrase, stick to what your good at. So with that in mind I'll stick to what i'm good at, insulting people!! John your a Muppet! Daz your a retard and Neal you have no friends and I hate you all"

 

DAZ: " It is my sad duty to do this posthumous celebrity of the month, a legend of a man who was known by some as Fiery Fred. Fred Trueman was a demon fast bowler who could put the shits up any batsman, well that's enough about cricket. I'll always remember our Fred for speaking the best brand of english ever graced upon this earth. This fine specimen of a man hailed from god's county itself, yorkshire, and was famous for speaking his mind in Thee's 'n' Tha's. He also had his own TV show in which crap old blokes played dominoes and sported an array of snazzy jumpers which one day i'm sure will be fashionable again. So for one final time....SHALL C'THEE!!" 

 

NEAL: Well a great man has come and gone friends, so I've decided this months celeb could only be one person the late great STEVE IRWIN. I know what you're all thinking "it was bound to happen sometime or later" well, if you are then you can go and Shag off and stop reading now! As your bad thoughts are tainting and belittling this once great typical ausie bloke. Killed by a stingray aye, what a way to bow out (mind you I would of probably died if I'd had to watch an episode of that crap puppet sh*t!). Anyway enough about me (though there can never be enough about me! It's the law!) STEVE IRWIN made me once literally sh*t my pants when he was teasing a bird eating spider in his film THE CROCODILE HUNTER (much, much..Mmmuch better than the DEER HUNTER!!! a croc would beat a deer any day, not at running though as that would just be silly). Now, I want all you starscreen fans to have a little one minute silence (not the band!) for STEVE IRWIN. If I find out that you have not done this I'll set john our drummer on to you (he eats live badgers for breakfast you know)

NOW GO!!! 

SCOTT: "What's this I here you say, old Scott's run out of idea's for a new Celeb so he's had to resort to using Ferry again! We'll you see Ladies and Gentlemen this is not Ferry, you have been fooled, this is the one and only Mr Kevin Hackett (Professional Bryan Ferry Impersonator). What a life this man must lead, not only does he look and sound like Ferry, he also has all his moves, this is a Dream Job. Walking around being Ferry, you get up in the morning, Do the Strand, have a wash, Do the Strand, then you lumber up, limbo down, Do the Strand, get your wife, and you can guess the rest....I'm such a Jealous Guy! Go and see Roxy Magic they are the greatest"

Because of all the footy thats been on telly, Daz can't be bothered to do this months celeb so he's handing the rains over to his  business associate and general man about town, Ollie.

Ollie:

These two handsome barstads are the result of a sick experiment conducted by scientists working for Rotherham City Council searching for a solution to the recent scarecrow shortage. When mixing the DNA of Tom Sellecks moustache and a couple of cheeky ferrets, someone accidently dropped the testube in the toilet when someone had left a floater, Barry and Paul were the horrific result. From an early age the brothers were victimised and taunted for there body hair, fruity odour and abnormally sized genitalia, however, they fought prejudice with laughter and a few chuckles later they finally got there break in showbiz whilst working as cleaners at the nuclear power plant at Cheynobal, they had a bit of a mishap, the Director of the BBC read this in the paper and found it rate funny... Chucklevision was born. At the peak of their career you could see Barry, or the Bazmeistergeneral as he lets me call him, and Paul, the gay, on Chucklevision, the hilarious kids thing To Me ToYou and at your local panto. Unfortunately we haven't heard anything from the boys recently, unless you've been reading the texts they've been sending your mum and let's hope we never see the bleeding freaks of nature again, unless it's on celebrity Leprosy Colony or something.

And if you're thinking which one got the looks and which got the brains... I don't pissin know. 

NEAL: -

 

 “F*CK ME IT'S PAUL THE B*STAD WEATHER MAN! So, Its come to this STARSCREEN fans we've being doing celebs of the month for a few years now and as you can tell we are starting to run out of ideas……..NOT! Hahahahaha! I fooled you, I fooled you, I really am that great. Any road, Mr Paul "the Look North weather man" Hudson is Bradford's finest import (Jane McDonald can go f*cka sen!) I have spent many a day round my Grandparents house pretending to laugh at his crap jokes, like the one where Peter Levy calls him for wearing a silly jacket or when he gets an email from some sad Yorkshire inbred tw*t saying something dull and completely pointless about how they think Peter Levy and Paul Hudson are the best comedy duo since Little and Large. So, next time you put the tele on and look north comes on and they go to the Weather report with Paul, I want all you STARSCREEN fans to shout "STOP F*CKING ABOUT BEING GAY WITH PETER LEVY AND GIVES US THE TW*TING WEATHER YOU SAD PROLAPSED RECTUM"  XXXX

SCOTT - "Yes I know what you’re thinking….”Bloody hell it’s another bastard yank” but this man deserves to be celebrity of the month after all the shit he’s been through. Ladies and Gentlemen it's Kiefer Sutherland.  As a young boy Kiefers parents (Donald and …erm Daisy?) used to take their son to Butlins. They entered him into a “Who’s got the biggest forehead competition”. Young Kiefer was sure he was gonna win, but unfortunately Mr & Mrs Collins had also entered their son Phil. Keifer didn’t stand a chance! And Kiefer wasn’t happy and started a fight with the future Genesis drummer. It was in this fight that Kiefer lost the mid range volume in his voice after a vicious blow to the throat. Kiefer was to spend the rest of his life either whispering in a husky “I’m gonna cum in your face” voice or shouting his bastard head off. But Kiefer has had the last laugh of course, as Genesis are wank!"

Daz: "This month we have the man who not only can do the best Al Pacino impression in t'world and swear more than Shaun Ryder in a rather bad mood, but is a true multi-tasker, Steve Van Zandt was part of da boss' E-Street band, and was allegedly fondling Courtney Cox's little toosh on the set of the Dancing in the dark video. He also plays the big mans consilar.... consiglar..... right hand man in the Soprano's, the best thing on t.v since Tom Selleck got his hairy chest out on Magnum P.I. Yet his true crowning glory is his outstanding ability to gurn like a gret old bastard freezing his bits off on Whitby pier. If we can learn anything from his character Silvio it's these three things. 1) If there's something that needs to be done, he's da man, 2) always plant your rhonodendrons only 6 inches below your top soil, and finally and most importantly 3) never and i mean ever disrespect Da Bing, "You f**kin' c**k suckers." 

This months celeb was brought to you by the letter H and the number 3 on lil' Tony's dirty porn riddled p.c.

   

Neal: "Boy have I spoilt you all this month! I'm giving you 4 celebs for the price of one & may I say WHAT A 4SOME THEY ARE! Introducing Compo, Cleggy, Foggy & Howard from Last of the Summer Wine. Being close friends with these guys for many years now, I have developed even better nicknames for them. Compo = COMPENSATION, Cleggy = CLEGG NUTS, Foggy = THE FOGSTA & Howard = Err...Howard! My we all had some great times muckin' about in the dales. Like the time Compo was trippin' on Acid & shit his pants when he thought Foggy was a giant frog that looked like Blakey (from on the buses) & I remember the time we caught Howard teaching Pearl to ride a bike without the seat. Also there was the time we all ratted on Cleggy for benefit fraud as he was doing a few shifts a week in the local cafe.....oh yes they were good times, he had to pay back 5K all together, he nearly killed himself because of the crippling debt. Sadly those days are over now, though us 4 lads from STARSCREEN will one day bring them back to life when we do our music video for "Last of the Summer Wine". I will play Compo as I always wear a b@stard hat, Daz will play Cleggy as he suffers from Cleggnuts, Scott will play Foggy as all his ideas are crap & fail & he is the most pointless member & John will play Howard as hes the ladys man. So the next time your buying, hiring or stealing a DVD mek sure it's LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE!"

Scott: Well this months Celeb is someone who has provided at least 3 current and 1 former member of Starscreen with hours of fun and frights. Ladies and gentlemen I present Wenanty Nosul………what? You mean you don’t know who he is? Well this man played the Gatekeeper in the video board game Atmosfear. He’s also been in a film with Steven Segal called the Foreigner. In this action packed film Steven’s character plays a courier who has to deliver a package from Germany to France, but soon finds out that the package is more than it seems…….exciting stuff and our man Wenanty plays a Polish Steward, don’t know how Steven ended up in Poland as it’s quite a bit out his way but I’m sure it’s exciting never the less. Wenanty also play the Baron in Atmosfear II……

 

 

Gatekeeper:

STOP!!!!! The old one has said enough! This retarded old fossil should be put out his misery…..would you like to meet me on the other side you Maggot…….YOUR BANISHED TO THE BLACK HOLE WHERE YOU WILL GROW OLDER STILL………..

Baron Samedi:

THRILL ME!!!! Yo Kiddies can you dig the Baron, Yo Old Dirtbag THRILL ME!!!

 

Scott: Yo Baron I can dig it, Show Time, Party time, Big Time and then some…….oh I’m so old and it’s all dark in the black hole!!!!

 

DAZ: "So, the new year is upon us, and i know what your thinking 'why can't it be Bryan Ferry every month?' yet, we kick off this newest of years with T.V's hottest property, thats right. Arise sir Noel Edmonds. since leaving crinkley bottom and that big pink spotty bastard behind (thats Mr Blobby not Judy Finnigan) our lives have seemed somewhat hollow without our Noel throwing his gunge over us on a weekly basis, then came along the probably the best, most addictive gameshow ever where there's boxes, bankers and enough tension to shake a particularly odd shaped stick at. So it's time to ask the immortal question, DEAL OR NO DEAL?" 

p.s don't you think that noel looks a lot like The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase?

SCOTT: "Well it had to happen eventually, anyone who knows the band has been expecting this for some time, so here is Mr Bryan Ferry esq. This man is responsible for the whole human race, without him time would have stopped in 1979! Why I hear you ask? Well Bryan did invent the 80's and without him people would have just been so bored with their tired, sad, pathetic working class lives that they would have just drowned in there own shit! People would deliberately piss in the bath just cos they hadn't been shown how to behave like civilised human beings. Yes he's more than a man he's a God. Fuk Mick Jagger!!!!!!!"

 

NEAL: "So Xmas is here again and another year older for me and at least 6 years added on to Scott's poor, frail, rusty, damp face. You might say this month's celeb is a Slave to Love and with his Angel Eyes he'll Dance Away the festive season. Though our Celeb is More Than This, Oh Yeah! He'll definatley make you feel like a Jealous Guy. So if you sick of the Same Old Scene & Love is the Drug for you, then strictly For Your Pleasure I give you Bryan Ferry"

DAZ: Is at work and will do his later

Have a Ferry Merry Christmas, from Starscreen

 

Neal: " As Autumn draws to a close and we all prepare for the dark nights and savage weather of winter I thought I would bring a little inner glow to your souls. Oh Yes Starscreen Fans may I introduce to you the legend that is Cheggers! Wa Hay! Cheeky loverable scouse Cheggers is famous for waking lower class dobba's up at the tw@ting crack a dawn giving them a chance to win a holiday or money to improve their dull sad common lives. Fuk me! You deserve better than these poor sad peasents Chegwin! And we all remember him getting naked on Channel 5...Don't We? (Yes he has got a bigger one than me) Keith if your reading this and about to phone your solicitor STOP NOW! And take a look in the mirror and value you talent. Then maybe one day we all will. Your the man Keith, keep it real brother!" 

Scott: "I'm sick and tired of people who play sport being seen as some kind of gods! Thats why I've picked a true Celeb this month, one who has earned their status as a legend. Ladies and Gentlemen I present the one, the only Bungle from Rainbow. Bungle is the voice of reason, he has to be with the people around him. He's got the spoilt brat Zippy, a pink transexual hippo called George and then theres Geoffrey, whose only male friends are Rod & Freddy and they spend most of there time spitroasting Jane. Yes I'm sure theres been many a time Bungle has caught George with Zippy tied naked to the bed and hes had to grab the horny hippo by his pink little winkle and beat him against the wall until hes knocked him out or George has cum from the constant jerking motion. Yeah Bungle's one tough cookie, he'd definatly kick Chewy from Star Wars' ass!

 I realise that some people may find the issues in this months Celeb abit offensive, all I can say is TOUGH! The worlds a scary place it's not all bells & whistles & flowers & trees. Have a happy October and lets join together and try and bring out the Bungle in us all"

Daz, "What a summer, what a series. autumn may be upon us but the memories will last a long time (well at least till october anyway), and the hero of the summer is of course Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff, so this months celebrity is..... Shane Warne. He may be an obscene phone call making, womanising, beer bellied Aussie who hasn't even got his own hair but that's enough of his good points. This man is the greatest bowler of all time with over 600 test wickets to his name, he can ton a ball in ways Houdini can only dream of, and even he would say fair dinkum to that."

"Nice Bowling Shane!!!"

Neal: "As a new Football season approaches i've decided to dedicate my celeb of the month to the one and only Olof Mellberg of the mighty ASTON VILLA. Swedish Mellberg is the rock in a average Villa defence. Having a gret F*ck off beard he strikes fear into the hearts and minds of his opponents. Mellberg is the typical tall blonde Swedish fox that all women (and some men) would love to gi some hammer to! but to me he's just a legend with a beard that once i've passed puberty i will try to emulate. Come on mid table finish!

I realise this is a crap Celeb of month, but i don't care! At least i'm not Scott!"

    

 

SCOTT: "To celebrate the bands visit to Liverpool to see Roxy Music later in the month, this months Celeb is Liverpools Darling Daughter Miss CILLA BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are four people in this world that I want to meet before they die, Ritchie Blackmore, Bryan Ferry, Bruce Forsyth and Cilla Black. The Multi talented Miss Black has been there, done that, shes been a singer, TV presenter, a singing TV presenter and a TV presenter of some singing related things. Shes Suprised us, shes sent us on Blind Dates and she knows Paul McCartney. Her talents are endless and I bet she's a demon in the sack! Thats a Lora Lora Lovin."

DAZ: "This man is true legend (unlike Ian Gillan) yes ladies and genital men this months it's all aboot Mr Leslie Nielsen. He is most famous for his role in Dracula: Dead and loving it, sorry i mean Bad Golf made easier. (only joking).Frank Drebbin of Police Squad was the role that Most folk will remember him for. 'Roses are red, violets are blue.... I'll break your face.' Although most stupid people think he's American He's actually from the land of the Terance and Phillip, Canada where almost all of North Americas best comedians come from (e.g Dan Akroyd and John Belushi). And remember DON'T CALL HIM SHIRLEY!!!

NEAL: "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin! What Chin Gail? Oh yes folks my celeb of the month is the one and only Helen Worth aka Gail Platt from Coro. Gail is what us women would call a surviver! Having had more men than a young Thai bride. Gail is living proof that love don't come cheap. Having survived Dicky Hillman's attempt to kill her, Martin Platts nose, a teen preganacy and her young son David's crap head. Gail deserves some credit and is worthy of the Celeb of the month. She truly is an independent women"

SCOTT: "This month it's the turn of one of the greatest men to ever step into the squared circle. He's beaten of all comers, he's told Mean Gene something, he's saved the world from the evil general Sutor (see Suburban Commando), he's saved some kids from something or other (see Mr Nanny) and hes raced around in a speed boat chasing bad guys. He truly is an American Hero. If he's not done it then it probably isn't worth doing, you have to remember it takes alot of energy to lift those 28 inch biceps! Although Hulk wasn't the best wrestler (The Million Dollar Man, Brett Hart and The Undertaker were all technically better) he was certainly the most entertaining. So what ya gonna do when Hulkamania comes crashing down on you brother"!

 

 

 

Sean:- Being entertainers ourselves we can relate to this cartoon creations approach to stardom. First get them to like you then sell them everything you can think of with your face on. Krusty started on the path to comedy from an early age, always wanting to be the best clown he could be. Now years later money is his driving force, with huge franchise investments like Krustylu Studios and Krustyland, The Krustyest place on earth. This clown has cornered the market for cartoon ultra-violence with the massively popular Itchy and Scratchy Show. Above and beyond the clowning around, this man's life boils down to three things: money, drink and women. You don't get more Rock 'N' Roll than that.

SEND IN THE KLOWNS!!!   

DAZ: This month we have Les "If it's there I'll give ya the money myself." Dennis. After years of being a crap stand-up comedian and general top light entertainer his big break came when another crap comedian Russ Abbot asked Les to join him on his crap T.V show. It was on this show that we Found out Les could only do two impressions, the first being Frank Spencer and the other Mavis "I don't really know" Wilton from Coronation Street, yet later discoveries found there was a third and to the worlds utter amazement he could do John Inman. (Insert your own joke.) He became a household name when he began to host Family Fortunes asking such memorable questions such as :- Name something you do in the bath? and What can you do with a cucumber? the top answer being eat it. A true legend that the nation loves.

Neil Morrisey is a T**T!!

Neal: "Watch out Beadle's about da da da, Watch out Beadle's about da da da, cos ya better watch out cos Beadle's about.... and so forth. Jeremy (Known as Jezza to his mates) was born many moons away from Earth on a place yet discovered by man called Phlywag where he was raised by mutant aliens. During his younger days Jezza was a cheeky little monkey and was always playing tricks on his younger brother Kackumbala. One day whilst playing an ordinary game of Fista Jezza accidentally placed his hand on a Bosch sander, used for cleaning. His hand was injured as Jezza was adopted and wasn't equipped to deal with the heavy duty sander. Disowned by his family Jezza exciled to Earth where he spent most of his time filming Families having various funny accidents, whilst having a crafty fag" 

Scott: "Because I run the web site and theres no one here to tell me otherwise I'm getting first choice of the Celebrity of the Month. So I've chosen a man who's probably the most underated member of the Greatest rock band ever. Ladies and Gentleman I give you Deep Purple's Bass Player Roger Glover...... (What do you mean WHO?)

GET IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!